I was raised by my mother, never knew my father and my grandmother taught me about "Revelations" when I was very young. At four years old I can remember thinking "I hope my children don’t have to go through revelations." We have had incest, molestation, divorce, alcoholism, drug addiction and depression in our family line. My life has been touched by all of these. I remember one day being dressed in wrinkly clothes with no shoes on (I don’t even think I had brushed my hair that day) and a church bus coming and picking me up. I don’t remember much about the service but some nice women gave me Kool Aid and cookies.
I was doing drugs and drinking at a very early age. Married at 15, baby at 18, divorced at 23! Remarried at 24, another baby. My husband and I both accepted the Lord and were baptized together. After moving, I began going to a church that was pastored by an angry domineering man who tried to control with fear. The church was going through a church "split" but I did not realize it. Just being a baby Christian, I believed every word that came from the pastor’s mouth was God. I often would leave church feeling as if God was going to kill me if I made a wrong move. One day in prayer, I told God, "I am afraid to leave this church because I am afraid you will kill me." I felt him say, "Look in my word and see my nature." I looked and every passage showed what a wonderful God he was – loving, merciful and quick to forgive. I left the church. I also divorced my husband. I went to many churches afterward but couldn’t trust. I felt so betrayed by the church. I was angry that I had been taught such a wrong view of God. I also had been used by an evangelist who was trying to counsel me through my divorce.
I spiraled back into the old lifestyle except that this time, it was all far worse and went on for years and years. Finally I checked myself into a hospital because I wanted to kill myself. My husband, who was from much the same kind of childhood as I was, began watching John Osteen on TV. Soon after, my brother gave his life to the Lord. I liked John Osteen; he was so different from the pastor I had known before. He was encouraging, loving and kind. We began attending church at Lakewood. My brother gave me a book on deliverance, Free in Christ, by Pablo Bottari. I knew this was what I needed. I made an appointment. I stepped into a room with 2 women and cried and poured out my heart for 3 hours. Deep inside me was a little child with a broken heart and only Jesus could see through all the toughness I had walled myself in with. I poured out the resentment, bitterness, anger, guilt, condemnation and unforgiveness. I walked out feeling like a new person. After this session my husband became very ill. During his illness he stayed at home most days, watched Christian television and got really close to God also before his death.
A friend had told me about Vision Life Ministries. I got the book Shadow Boxing. I went to their web site and saw that they were having a School of Deliverance Ministry. I knew immediately that I was supposed to go. So I went to the school not really realizing what it was all about. I had no idea what was going to take place. I don’t think I even made it through the first half of the day without breaking down into tears. This was really not like me since I always hid my tears. But I knew God had a work to do in me and He did. I was able to go through the internship also. God supplied me with the finances and the time. Internship was awesome, to say the least. God revealed some deep things in my life and freed me from them in order to build character in me and the stamina to stay and fight the battle.
So far I have experienced deliverance in many areas. I have forgiven at deeper levels. I have had word curses that were binding me broken off my life. I repented of inner vows and judgments that were driving my life. I am being healed of various traumatic events in my life. I have gained a whole new understanding of how people function. I am developing a true godly love for people, seeing them like Jesus sees them. I truly feel God inside my spirit now that I have a realization that He is with me. I have been able to hear more from God, to trust God more. I have been able to open up to people, to not be afraid to trust people because God has it all under control. I don’t have to worry or be in fear. I can be vulnerable and offer myself as a real person to other real people. I can be a human instrument for God to flow through. Every day I put on the armor of God and put on the mind of Christ. I ask God to anoint me, to work through me and to direct my path. I listen for His voice in situations now instead of just "jumping in" to rescue people. I ask how to pray and what to pray. I don’t just pray with no discernment like I did before. I know I haven’t arrived, but I have started the journey! I know that I am called to do deliverance ministry and for that I am so grateful. I used to think there was no hope for the world. There were so many hurting people and the pain was just too great – even among Christians. Now I know that God has made provision to heal, free and make all people whole no matter how broken and bruised they are. There is hope for the world! And hope for me!
